if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
