dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
