I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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