Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
