your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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