some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
