Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
