dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
