DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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