I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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