just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
