dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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