I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
