if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
