Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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