That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
