i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
