Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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