Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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