I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
