I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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