just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
