So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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