I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
