I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
