I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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