checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
