i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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