what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
