i just sent this text using only my big toe
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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