Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
