I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
