My hand turned me down
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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