Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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