My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
