One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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