I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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