woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
