he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
