News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
