If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
