Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
