This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize