So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
