I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
