I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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