i was born a porn star she said
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
How does one acquire holy water?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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