Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
high people should be assigned attendants
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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