I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
