We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
