New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
