it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
