He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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